E: Edmund Blackadder
The Queen’s Chambre
E: Get out, get out libidious swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you, where you rot in the filth of your own fornication.
Q: And what did you say to him?
E: Nay Madame, I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the privy window.
Q: Oh Edmund, you’re so naughty!
E: Oh, I try, Madame. And ten minutes later when I get my breath back I try again.
M: Prehaps now we can turn to more important matters of state.
Q: Must we?
M: I fear so, ma’m. It’s a dirty case. My old tutor, Lord Forest, his son has been kidnapped and he begs you to help pay the ransom.
Q: Edmund, what would you say?
E: Well, as you know Madame, I’ve had experince of this dreadful situation. Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Ozrick.
M: Well, did you know something of the dreadful pain involved?
E: Indeed I do. Then I can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.
Q: Which was?
E: Get stuffed.
M: Blackadder, you would jest over a young man’s life?
E: A young man may be young, idiot. Look, anyone stupid enough to let so some mistachoed dego con them in a corridor, saying, ‘Excuse me Meester’ and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.
In the Corridor
B: Hallo, Lord, you’re in good fooling this morning.
E: Thank you Baldrick.
B: I had quite an amusing story myself the other day.
E: Oh good.
(Spanish Guard enters)
SG: Excuse me Miester.
E: Yes, what is it?
(SP hits him over the head with a big stick)
E: I said ‘what is it?’ not ‘hit me hard on the head’.
In the Queen’s Chambre
Q: You know Melchett, I’ve completely changed my mind about that Forest bloke.
I mean, he’s obviously very *stupid* but we can go ’round punishing him for
that, can we?
M: Certainly not, ma’m.
Q: Umm…if we went around punishing people for being stupid, *Nursey* would
have been in prison all her life.
M: A very (??) observation, Majesty.
Q: So I will fine his ransom, but it must be the last. Absolutely the last.
Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart and hope to die.
M: Probably not ‘hope to die’, Majesty.
Q: Alright, I’ll cross that out, uhh…umm..here you are. Sorry about the
M: Thank you ma’m. (goes out)
In the Corridor
SG: Excuse me Miester.
(SG hits him over the head like Edmund)
In the Prison
(Edmund wakes up; Melchett is with him)
E: Awh, God, God, God. What on *earth* was I drinking last night? My head
feels like there’s a Frenchman living in it. Where am I?
M: (groans) Ooohhhh…
E: Who’s there?
M: It is I, Melchett.
E: Melchett! You oght to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know. A
M: This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We’ve been kidnapped!
E: Oh God, how incredibly embarrassing!
M: Those private parts of the gods are we, they play with us for their sport.
(insane laughter of Spanish Guard)
E: Oh God, who’s that?
SG: (laughing, says something in Spanish)
E: If anyone is to be spoken to around here, it’s going to be me, alright?
Tell him, Melchie.
SG: (more Spanish, still can’t make it out. Another one comes in)
SG2: Ah bueno, El Je’fe. (more Spanish…)
E: Ah, that’s better. Now what’s he saying?
M: He says he would like a word with you.
E: Ah ha, anything else?
M: Yes, he says he would like to torture you as well.
E: Right. Now am I, by any chance, addressing the Senior Dignitary of the
SG: Te gusta, me gusta le Inquisicion!
E: Good. Because if I am, I wish to make it quite clear that I’m prepared
to tell you absolutely *anything*.
SG: Habla puer(??)
E: No speako dego. I demand to see the British Ambassador, *understand*?
SG: Necesito silenco para comesa.
E: Oh for God’s sake, look, how can you question me if you don’t speak English?
SG: No, *yo* pregunto las questionnes.
E: Alright, let’s start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-Euro-
pean language derived from dialects of….
(a voice yells out, ‘oh goot’)
In the Queens’s Chambre
(Queenie and Percy are playing frisbee)
Q: Percy, who’s Queen?
P: (misses Queen’s toss) Whooops, butterfingers!
Q: Ah, so I win again.
P: Yes, well then you have a seat.
Q: There’s definitely been no sign of Edmund.
P: I fear not, Mum.
Q: Where did he vanish? Simply vanished.
P: Like an old oak table.
Q: Vanished, Lord Percy, not *varnished*.
P: Forgive me, my lady, but my uncle Bertram’s old oak table completely
vanished. ‘Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire. And on that
same terrible night, his house and all his other things completely
vanished too. So did he, in fact. It was a most perplexing mystery.
Q: Lord Percy.
Q: It’s up to you. Either you can shut up or have your head cut off.
P: (thinks for a few seconds) I’ll shut up.
In the Prison
(Edmund and Spanish Guard play charades in an attempt to communicate)
E: Bastardo. Barrister.
E: Embarrassing. You’re a barrister. I’m a barrister. Ahh…uuhh..(??)
(SG crawls around)
E: A baby. Bathwater. Sounds like..bastard.
SG: (excited at Edmund’s correct guess) Si’, Si’!! No terminado. Hijo. Hijo.
SG: Padre. Hijo.
E: Little bastard. Mother, father….*son*. I’m a bastard son.
(SG pants and barks, indicating ‘dog’)
E: Thirsty bastard. Thirsty barking bastard. Oh, dog, dog. Dog. Woman dog.
Woman dog….*bitch*! I’m a bastard son of a bitch!
(SG is victorious when Edmund guessed his puzzle)
E: in that case, *you* are a fornicating baboon.
E: Oh dear, uh, y–you..tu.
SG: Tu. Yo.
E: Yo, ah, for-ni-ca-ting…..I can’t really do it in this box.
SG: Youos Disdicolos (?)
E: My…um..ah yes, those.
SG: (?) fuego grande
E: Over a large…
SG: Fuego, fuego (pants)
E: Oh, fire, fire. Ah good, so let’s recap. Um..if I admit that I am in love
SG: (interjects) No! No!
E: Sorry, head over heels in love..with Satan and all his little wizards, then
you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument….
SG: Una balaga, una balaga (?)
E: …resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can’t quite….um…roast
them over a large fire.
SG: Si’ Si’.
E: Whereas if I don’t admit that I’m in love with Satan and….and..all his..
his little wizards, y-you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm mar-
E: And remove my testicles with a blunt…oh I see. Well, well, in that case,
I love Satan.
SG: Ohh..(produces instrument)
E: Oh, it’s a scythe!
In the Queens Chambre
Q: Oh I don’t know, I’ve looked everywhere.
P: Prehaps they’re not hiding…..at..all! Prehaps they’ve been kidnapped!
Q: Nonsense!! But only Edmund said ‘only real idiots get kidnapped’.
In the Prison
(a whip comes down, a voice screams. Enter Prince Ludwig)
L: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder..I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
Please accept my a-po’-lo’-gies.
E: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.
L: I hope this scum has not in-con-weenienced you.
E: It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience
L: Good, if he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.
E: If he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue with which to make
such an offer.
L: Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder, if I no longer had a tongue with which
to make such an offer, you will no longer have a tongue with which to tell
me, that if I had inconweenienced you, I will no longer have a tongue with
which to offer you his tongue.
E: Well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?
L: You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?
E: I don’t believe I had the pleasure.
L: Oh, on the contrary, we have met many times. Also you knew me by another
name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto,
with whom you used to dine and plot and play for biscuit gain at the Old
Pizzle in Dover?
L: Yes! I was the waitress.
E: I don’t believe it, *you*, ‘Big Sally’?
L: (in a squeaky feminine voice) Will you have another piece of pie, my Lord?
E: But I went to bed with you, didn’t I?
L: In my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
E: For that, I must have been paralytic!
L: Indeed you were, ‘Mr. Floppy’.
E: Yes, alright…now would you mind….
L: (again in high pitch vocal) What a disappointment for a girl….
E: Yes, alright…
L: (high-pitched, interjecting)….it really doesn’t matter, we’ll try
again in a few minutes…..(?) with naughty parchments.
E: We are proud of our comic-serving wench voice, aren’t we? If you can
say ‘Zur’ instead of ‘Sir, it seems at all social gatherings that
tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.
L: (miffed, shouts deeply) Be quiet!
E: What else have you got in your outstandingly inventive repetoire, I
wonder? Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glasweigan, no doubt. A hilarious
black man ‘See you Jimmy, where am that watty-melon’. I can’t wait
for your side splitting poof and that funny little croaky one who
isn’t anyone in particular, but it’s such a scream. And most of all,
that one you do all the time, that fatheaded German Chambrepot, standing
in front of me.
L: You know, you talk too much, Blackadder. I think it’s a case of di-
herrea that you’re having. I should, prehaps, tell you, though I have
given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand, unless she
pays up, you die. Howwibly.
E: She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.
L: You find yourself amsuing, Blackadder.
E: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
L: Y’know, I think, I think that a week from now, you’ll be less in the
mood for being amusing.
E: At least when I am in the mood, I can be amusing.
L: You better listen carefully, Blackadder, it may be your last. Guards,
fetch his friend.
GGs: (enter with Melchett) Ein, zwein, ein, zwein.
M: (moaning) Oh no, help me….oooohhh!
L: (laughs) Lord Melchett, we meet again.
M: No, I don’t think we had the pleasure.
L: You do not recognise me, then. Let me refresh your memory. You remember
when you were in Cornwall at the monastery, there was an old shepherd
with whom you used to talk.
M: Good Lord, Dimkins?
L: Yes! *I* was one of his sheep.
M: But didn’t we…?
L: Yes, Lord Melchett! BBBBAAAAA!
M: Oh my God!
L: But enough on such pleasant’ries. The Guard has found an interesting
document in your clothing.
M: Oh, I shouldn’t pay attention to that if I were you.
L: The Queen says that she will only pay one ransom. But it must be the
last. Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my
heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple. She has a
difficult choice in front of her, has she not?
E: Not really, bad luck Melchers, still life overrated, I reckon.
L: Yes, gentlemen. Well, if you excuse me, I have work to do. Evil plots
don’t just make themselves you know. (exits laughing)
(in another moment, still Ludwig)
I, evil Prince Ludwig the Indestructible, have your two friends and you
must choose between them. The ransom is one million Crona. Many many a-
po’-lo’-gies for the inconvience.
(In the Queen’s Chambre)
Q: What a difficult choice!
N: But not the first difficult choice you’ve ever had to make, my little
Q: No, that’s true.
N: In the old days, it was all difficult choices. Should you have ‘Nursey
milk’ or ‘more cow milk’. Or course, it was always ‘Nursey milk’, ha-ha,
but then left breasty-dumpling or right breasty-dumpling. Of course, it
was always both breast-dumplings, ha-ha. Ahh, but then which one first.
Q: Shut up, Nursey! Ahh, this is very confusing. Lord Percy, play a while
to calm my spirits. (hands him a lute)
P: Certainly, Mum.
(Percy takes it and puts it down.)
P: Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker’s man. Ah-ha, you’re it! Ring-a-ring the
rosey, all fall down.
(Back at the prison)
M: What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up.
E: That depends if you want the slop-bucket over your head or not.
M: Well, prehaps a pleasant word-game.
E: Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sobbing,
M: For God’s sake, man! We must to something to relieve our minds of the
terrible fate that awaits us.
E: Awaits you, Melchie, not me. How’s my beard looking?
M: (whimpers) Alas, shall I ever see England more? The rolling fields, the
the swooping swallows…
E: And her playful sheep.
E: Ah, about time, ho. (?)
L: Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.
E: Well, thank God, I’m sick of this. The conditions are just disgracing us
it’s like we’re prisoners here.
L: I shall read it to you.
E: Ah, typical master criminal, loves the sound of his own voice.
L: After long and very careful deliberation, the Queen has decided to extend
the ransom money on….
(cut to Queenie writing this very letter)
Q: A big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I’ve de-
cided to keep the cash, have a whizzy-jolly time and try to forget both
of you. Hope you’re not to miffed. Byeeeeee!
(cut to prison)
L: Hope you’re not to miffed. Byeeeeee! As you can imagine, my friends, this
makes me very unhappy.
E: (sarcastically) Oh, I am sorry.
L: But if you gentlemen were to turn me away to, let us say, gain access to
your Queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.
E: Are you suggesting we *betray* her?
L: Oh yes.
M: Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty, honour, self-respect?
E: What of them?
L: So you will both, play ball?
M & E: Yep.
L: (laughs) Oh what joy. See how you collapse before me you great and
corruptible English nobs. So proud of your great, big ‘stiff upper lips’.
E: Gloating is a sign of insecurity, Ludwig, shove it. Now you know how to
get to the Queen or not?
L: Yes, I thought some kind of disguise. You know I do a very good Mary,
Queen of Scots. (says something in thick Scots accent)
In the Queen’s Chambre (note: Baldrick is eating from a dog dish. Queen
Q: What sort of party should it be?
P: Oh, fancy dress. I love fancy dress.
N: I think it’s one of those ones where everybody comes with nothing on
Q: Shut up, then! (to Percy) I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberland.
If we’re really to forget our woes, then we should have as much fun
as possible. And what can be more fun than a party where people come
dressed as frogs and rabbits and nuns.
N: And bits of wood.
Q: You’re not going to come as a bit of wood.
N: Aren’t I?
N: Ah. What about a pencil, then, should I come as a pencil?
Q: Don’t be silly, Nursey. You always talk like this and you always end
up coming as the same thing.
N: Do I?
Q: Yes, you know it, every…bod..(stops short in mid-sentence) Nursey.
What does Nursey always come to fancy dress parties dressed as?
B: I thought everybody knew.
Q: Yes, everybody in public (?), except Nursey.
B: She always comes as a cow.
N: Yes, that’s right. A lovely lovely cow with great big lovely udders.
Swiggling ’round going ‘Mmmooooo’. Come to Nursey cow, you lovely
little heppers (?). Oh that’s more fun..oh, let me be a cow again,
Q: Shut up. (to Percy) Isn’t Nursey stupid?
P: She certainly is, Mum (laughs).
Q: See? We’re having a good time already! We’ve completely forgotten about
those chaps in prison, haven’t we?
P: What chaps?
In the prison
(German Guards enter with Ludwig)
GGs: Ein, zwein, ein zwein.
L: My friends, I have come to bid you farevell. These Guards will eventually
die of old age, but their sons will exhort or attending all your needs.
E: Thanks for your concern, but, in fact, we intend to escape.
L: For your information, gentlemen, I intend to bring down your Queen and
country. The Master of Disguise will become the Master of the World. HA-
HA-HA (continues laughing).
E: Ah, yes, one thing Ludwig, just before you go.
E: Were you ever bullied at school?
L: What do you mean?
E: Well, all this ramping and raving about power, there must be some reason
L: Nonsense, no…er..at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of
E: I thought so and I bet you mother made you wear short right up to your
L: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call
me ‘shorty, greasy, spotsbutt’ again!
E: Touched a nerve there. I think.
M: What good is it going to do us if we’re doomed to rot here until we die?
E: Nah, don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.
E: Yes. Now that Ludwig’s gone, we’ll have no trouble overcoming the guards.
Germans are sticklers for efficency and I’ve been watching their routine.
I’ve selected the moment when they’re at their most vulnerable. *That* is
when we will attack.
M: Brilliant! How?
E: That is the most cunning bit.
GGs: (in background) Ein, zwein, ein zwein.
E: Right, now this is it. Don’t forget, when they are at their most *vulner-
GGs: Ein, zwein..Halt! Enter the gate. Open the door. (they enter) Greetings
to the prisoners. Gooten Aaben Englander-scum. March to the table. Ein
zwein, ein zwein, ein zwein….Halt! Food on the table, ein zwein (they
put down a loaf of bread). Spit on the food, ein zwein. And something
(??) to the prisoners, ein zwein, ein zwein (they rock their hips back
and forth, groins exposed)
E: Now! (E & M hit their groinal area)
E: Trust me to get the hard one. (they escape)
In the Queen’s Chambre (party begins)
Q: Yo ho ho, off with their heads!
P: (inaudible) Move with the Spirit. Your father is born again.
Q: Bloody well (??), or else I won’t be Queen anymore. Umm..this is a
pretty good (?) What is it?
P: It’s nothing, Mum. Just a mere trifle I threw together.
Q: Doesn’t look much like a trifle. More like a (?) to me.
P: I see Nursey’s really outdrilled (?) herself.
Q: Yes, she has. Um..(sentence inaudible) What are you meant to be?
B: (with two pencils up his nose) A pencil case.
Q: (ecstatically) Yes! Ooohh, it’s (inaudible bit) I had when I was tiny.
We had tea and cakes and venison and a trip with a couple of little
friends to the executions.
P: How thrilling.
Q: If I wanted my little friends executed, that is. Oh, I wish Edmund could
be here. He always loved parties. And always always wore very very tight
P: Edmund who?
E: Edmund Blackadder!
Q: Oh, Oh!
Q: Oh, Edmund…
E: Ever know me to miss a party?
Q: (excited, then serious) But what about Lord Melchett?
E: Yes, unfortunately Mum, he made it too.
P: Melchett, you’re alive beyond measure. Bliss which can’t be counted on
Q: Sorry Edmund.
Q: Yes, um…unfortunately, apart fom my nose getting a little prettier,
nothing much has changed around here. Your animal still isn’t house-
trained, Percy’s still unemployed and Nursey’s one stick short of a
E: Ah yes, thank you for reminding me. (takes his sword out and stabs
Q: Nursey! (to Edmund) You killed Nursey. Oh, that’s horrid. Guards,
guards, take him away and execute him. He’s killed Nursey!
N: (the real one, of course, enters) Can anyone help me with my udders?
E: Yes, and may I introduced you to our erstwhile captor, Prince Ludwig
L: Ah, Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.
Q: Ah…no I don’t think so, actually.
L: Yes, you remember when you were young, your father used to take you
riding on a magnificent grey pony that he used to kiss and fondle
in the stable yard. *I*, I was the tall and attractive German stable
lad who held him.
Q: (sentence inaudible)
L: No, no, no! You, all of you have yet to say about my complexion. I
shall return and week my rewenge’.
E: You will die and be buried. (Edmund points a gun and shoots Ludwig).
Q & all in room: Hooray!
E: Strange man.
Q: But how did you know it was *him*?
E: This was the information with which we bought our lives. We told them
that if the Queen was having a party, that Nursey always goes as a cow.
From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return,
and kill the cow.
Q: How could you be sure it was not Nursey?
E: Because, lady, Ludwig was a Master of Disguise. Whereas Nursey is a
sad, insane old woman with a udder fixation. All we had to do was
kill the one who looked like the cow. That ws the mistake I knew
Ludwig would make. His disguise was too good.
Q: Gosh, Edmund, how brilliant! Welcome.
E: Well, I must say, Mum, it’s good to be back.
P: Welcome Edmund. Did you..miss me?
E: I certainly did. Many was a time, Percy, I say to myself, ‘I wish Percy
(Percy gets sentimental)
E: ….being tortured instead of me.
P: (cries) …we have missed you.
B: Did you miss me, my Lord?
E: Ummm….Baldrick, is it?
B: That’s right.
E: No, not really.
Q: And me, did you miss me, Edmund?
E: Madame, life without you is like a broken pencil.
A low toned bell rings. All the characters from BA II are dead.
Prince Ludwig is in Queen’s dress.
L: (as Queenie, laughs) Now *this* is a disguise, I’m really going to enjoy….if I can just get the voice right.